As of a couple of days ago, I'm studying for the patent exam. But I've already told y'all that. I'll learn of my results from the Texas Bar Exam in approximately 10 days. I'm also still actively looking for a job. I work out 5-6 days a week, and I'm eating like a starving wildebeest. Other than that, I'm just...existing. I had a great time going "away" for a few days with my boyfriend about a week ago. We saw a show, had a really nice dinner, and generally enjoyed each others' company.
Although I'm highly realistic regarding mostly everything in my life (swift kicks in the ovaries by life generally tends to strip away your sense of optimism and replace it with cold, hard realism), I still like to dream about what my life will one day be like. I like to imagine a house with a backyard. A front porch with a swing on it. Gardens and fresh herbs that I grow in them. A job that I actually enjoy arriving at each day. Home cooked meals each night. Being debt free.
I know this blog entry may shocking to many, because I'm rarely 100% open regarding my feelings and dreams, and even when I am, I tend to be extremely sardonic and self-deprecating about them. I wonder if this sometimes keeps me from landing the jobs I interview for, and wonder even more often if there is something specific about me that is causing me to be unemployable. I had another friend who was in this same boat and she recently landed a job, and I'm so happy and excited for her. And hopeful for me.
Even when it seems like I will never be able to achieve what I have set out to do, I strive to maintain that little flicker of hope within my heart. I tell myself that I rarely am presented with opportunities in a normal way--things normally happen in the most peculiar of instances in my life. I do believe that you have to make your own fate, but I'm not stupid enough to think that luck has no part in it. Many times, being in the right place at the exact right time with the exact right mix of people is everything.
At the same time, I have to wonder when this exact moment will come. Because I keep waiting. Anxiously. With bated breath. Hoping.
Maybe I needed to release these thoughts in the atmosphere (blogosphere?). And maybe this is just superstition, but maybe I need to express that hope. That desire for more. To everyone. I've begun to live my life day by day. I try to enjoy each opportunity, and give thanks for my good health, a beautiful day, my faithful dogs, or even getting out of bed in the morning.
I strive to be authentic at all times in my blog. Because if I can't be myself here, where can I be? And tonight, this is how I feel. Wary. Cautiously optimistic. But above all, hopeful.
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