Adderall is NOT for all

A few months ago, I became highly incensed at someone over at the Bitter Lawyer's blog when she referenced the casual and illegal use of Adderall, then discussed how she was in constant search of a prescription (you can find that blog here). My response went something like this (okay, exactly like this):

This makes me sick. I’m mostly very easygoing about most subjects, but it pisses me off when people abuse prescription drugs to gain an advantage over other people. People that actually need Adderall face a negative stigma because of people like you–those that abuse it just to churn out the work.

If you need Adderall, that is one thing. But to shamelessly act as if you are entitled to it because you want to get ahead? It, quite frankly, pisses me off. 

Now allow me to explain why I get so angry about this particular subject. Two years ago, I began law school. I have always been highly hyperactive, although for the most part, I used my excess energy to achieve other things. Many assumed I was medicated, and many others recommended that I medicate (to which I always politely asked where they received their medical degrees and why they were working in such a low-paying field since they were a DOCTOR). But I digress...


As I said, I began law school two years ago. I loved it. I still do. Loved everything about it...including the people....all of them....for approximately 2.5 months.

Then it went downhill really, really, REALLY quickly.

You see, most people don't understand that ADHD comes in three different types: inattentive, hyperactive-impulsive, and combined. For the most part, when people think of ADHD, they think of children bouncing all over the damn walls asking too many questions and never paying attention. That's combined ADHD, and the most common type, which is why most people think of it when ADHD comes to mind.

I am hyperactive-impulsive ADHD. I'm no longer ashamed of it. For a very long time, I assumed my symptoms were merely due to a Type A personality. It wasn't until I went to law school and began to run into the severe social stigma associated with these symptoms that I began realizing it could potentially be a problem. Hence the downhillishness (which was straight up Elle Woods style--aka: take your damn muffins and go away; we don't want you in our study group). In fact, most people do not realize that many people diagnosed with ADHD do not medicate to focus better, but to become more acceptable and in-line with societal expectations.

I finally broke when I had a group of "mean girl" law students (and I'm talking women in their 20's and 30's) send a "representative" mean girl over to one of my few friends to tell her if my "behavior" continued, then they would be contacting the teacher of a particular class to essentially tattle on me.

This came shortly after the beginning of my second semester in law school. Grades had been announced, and (SURPRISE) I had not done nearly as well as I would have liked. I had approximately two friends in law school, and had been abandoned by all of my initial group of friends when the hustle began for first semester final exam studying.

Mind you, my behavior was not over the top. However, hyperactivity and impulsiveness is not easily managed, and pisses a few people off. Although I would argue others should really (REALLY) become more tolerable to the differences in others and should strive to accept others, the harsh reality was that my symptoms, although acceptable to almost everyone around me, had a couple of others willing to come forward and essentially try to ruin my life.

I went to the psychology center on campus and started testing for my problems with Tom, an incredible grad student who didn't just test, but also dug in depth to my past and current problems. (A lot of people are also misdiagnosed with ADHD when they really have depression, FYI.) I explained to him how unfair I thought it was that I was the one who should be considering medicine, when others should have just considered tolerance, and that's when his counseling came in. If anyone has seen the Glee episode where Emma speaks to a Psychiatrist/Psychologist (fittingly, from the episode named "Acceptance"), his speech was VERY similar to that. However, he was a bit more understanding as well, because he said IT WASN'T FAIR. It shouldn't be me who has to change. He explained to me in many ways, my brain had already rewired to get along more easily in society. He was the one who explained to me how many people who are ADHD medicate in order to meet societal expectations (for those of you that think it's about studying or paying attention in class...it's a LOT more than that). And it's because of him I was officially diagnosed ADHD....

Hyperactive-impulsive ADHD, to be exact. That means that I have trouble controlling my impulses (like speaking out in class or eating six cupcakes when I'm not hungry). It means that I go at a faster speed than a lot of people. And yes, sometimes I do have trouble concentrating, because I have impulses to do OTHER THINGS. Or because I get so caught up on one little detail, that I miss the big picture (which is hell on a law school exam).

Because of my diagnosis, I was now able to speak to a psychiatrist about medicine. I did go to one on campus, and he was also incredible. We spoke at length about how I didn't want to medicate and become another person. I told him I didn't want medicine just to be able to do better in school. And I also expressed (again) my frustration regarding others' reactions around me.

I'm now on a low-dosage of Adderall. In some ways, it has helped immensely. I can sit down and listen to a teacher without feeling the need to ask questions. I don't get hung up on the small details nearly as much anymore. And I still feel like myself.

But let me tell you, it should never have come down to others FORCING me to take action because of my symptoms. I should never have been made to feel like a terrible person because of things I couldn't help. And even though the medicine does help, it still incenses me that I broke down in tears many times because of a bunch of mean girls threatening me about something over which I had no control.

I didn't intend for this blog to become my own personal story about my battles with Attention Hyperactivity Deficit Disorder, but now that it's out, I feel a lot better. If you are having problems, I urge you to seek counseling. Medicine is not everything, and does not heal all, but talking to someone definitely does.

And it's nothing to feel ashamed about.