Welcome to my life (or: how even oldies are NOT always goldies)

Tonight, I had to prepare some paperwork for an important deadline. This paperwork HAS TO BE IN TOMORROW (with a postmark and everything). It's kinda a BFD. Accordingly, I waited until the last damn minute to do it (procrastination at its finest, y'all). So when I finally decided to get down to it, I realized oh shit....I'm not sure what kind of technology I'll be using (I generally use my own, but since I needed a printer, I'd have to borrow the whole kit and kaboodle). Not a big deal, right? HA.

So I went downstairs, and was greeted by this guy:

While this seems relatively harmless and docile, it's actually a RELIC. Many computers nowadays consist of something like this--except the entirety of the computer is actually contained WITHIN this component, instead of just serving as the screen (which went obsolete about, oh say, ten years ago). Monitors you can deal with, however. I was relieved to turn to the side and see this:

Don't let the windows sticker or USB drives fool you like they did me, though. Those are just for show. In actuality, this computer does NOT have Microsoft Word (or Works, or even Open Office, for those of us too cheap to purchase the real deal). And those USB drives? THEY.DON'T.WORK. I only figured this out, though, after repeatedly trying to access the internet. I might as well have been trying to teach a monkey the theory of relativity (and I would have probably had more success with the monkey). After spending over 45 minutes trying to enter my email and look at my documents in Word while online, I finally gave up and looked for my external hard drive. That's how I found out the awesome window dressings on the front of the tower were just for show. Way to go, HP guys! What a great trick you played on me! (If I could, I would hunt you down and bludgeon you to death. Just so you know.) So after I finally found a USB jack I could effectively plug my external into, I made the mistake of peeking at the printer.

Yep, folks. THAT'S THE ICING ON MY CAKE. Welcome to 1992. After gritting and gnashing my teeth, pulling out some of my hair, cursing every person to ever work at HP (and their nearest blood relatives), and threatening to end.that.tower....I was greeted by the slowest printer ON EARTH.

Seven pages.

Thirty minutes.

And another crack in my sanity.

Pretty sure technology isn't the only thing that hates me.