Final countdown....no, seriously, I'm counting down the days til my finals

It's that time of year again...the time where law students are on twitter talking about how they rocked an exam (i.e. probably made a C+, but trying to freak the rest of their classmates out to feel better about themselves) and others are realizing they have learned.absolutely.nothing. In the spirit of the approaching exam week(s)--all of my finals are in one week, but others have them spread out (note to self: try that for the future)--I thought I would discuss the types of test-takers known to law school while adding my own personal take on these "types."

1) The early birds: no, these are not the people who studied in advance. Rather, they are the students that finish their exam 1.2 hours into it. For those of you not in law school, this is ridiculous. We are given anywhere from 3 to 4 hours to take an exam, and the professors themselves have stated that this exam took them ___ hours to finish it (generally thirty minutes less than the time we've been give). If you are finishing early, please do not slam your books around or stomp proudly to the front of the classroom to turn the test in. I will want to murder you. Additionally, most of us know the reason you finished the exam so early is because you DON'T KNOW THE MATERIAL. You may think you absolutely aced that exam, but let me tell you, unless you are the bastard child of Scalia and Learned Hand (which, for the record, would be a MARVELOUSLY UGLY CHILD), that ain't the case.


2) The sigher: don't get me wrong--I've looked at an exam and let a big ole sigh out myself. There is a professor at my university (who, btw, I actually admire and respect a great deal) whose main 50 point essay consisted of a fact scenario from The Dark Knight. You know...the one where the series of Jokers take turns killing the other one (except he left one of those alive and had Batman scare a woman into having a miscarriage, but that's neither here nor there). The entirety of my class signed throughout reading that. But....when you're blowing my papers around on my space because you are letting out gargantuan signs THROUGHOUT THE EXAM, you should consider doing one of two things: a) wear a dust mask much like the ones used to weedeat a garden or b) allow me to choke you in a manner where drawing a breath is painful, and letting out a sigh is excruciating. Or you could just stop sighing. I suppose that's an option.

3) The muncher: much like the sigher above, you are immune to the sound effects of your own body. I don't know how, since I can hear you through my earplugs. Word of advice: pop your canned coke BEFORE the exam, save your carrot sticks (and other "brain food") for after the exam, and by God, if you chew ice in my ear, hope to the sweet baby lord Jesus that I do not suddenly develop mad Carrie powers and set your ass ablaze.

4) The rehasher: sometimes there is one question that really bothers me because I'm not sure about the mechanics of it. I'll ask my friends in the privacy of my home. I've even been known to go over the exam with one of them after it's said and done. Key word: PRIVACY. Please do not yak immediately outside of the door within my earshot about the distinctions and answers of the exam. I just finished. There is no need to relive it. I will do that again tonight in my dreams nightmares. Also, this is a double-edged sword (although what isn't? I don't think I've ever seen a single edged sword), because you may just have your world crumble around your ears. I don't want to witness that....well, kinda.

5) The counter-down: if I'm furiously going over the overview of my outline before my exam starts, I do not need you to remind me I have two minutes left. I especially hate frequent updates. I understand the concept of time running out. The concept of your life running out...I don't think you understand. Care for me to count that out for ya?

6) The frantic-questioner: these are the folks that come up to you and drill you about subjects they didn't quite get while studying. This wouldn't be so bad...if they then didn't contradict you when you're explaining it to them, interrupt frequently, and confuse the ever-living shit out of you to the point where you are questioning your own knowledge of the material. These people KILL your hope, feed off of the remaining brain cells you have managed to save for this exam, and revel in the path of destruction they have caused. Earphones can't even deter the true frantic-questioner.

7) The chipper: I call them this because of their chipper attitudes and zest for taking these exams. They LIVE for these exams; while you and I had nightmares about these finals, they slept like babies. They are extraordinarily excited about their finals. They've probably been outlining all semester long. They've also probably cross-researched everything within an inch of their lives. Do not engage them in discussion--much like the frantic-questioner, they will make you question your knowledge of the material, though in this case, it's because they seem so CALM about it. No, the fruit of the poisonous tree doctrine isn't difficult...they're so excited about it possibly being on the exam because they were on Westlaw this morning while drinking their organic tea and saw a new case just came out from the SCOTUS about the doctrine. I'd like to hit them over the head with a branch of the poisonous tree, but I don't have time, because I've got to go over my notes about it in case I really don't know what I'm talking about.


8) The litigator: no, this isn't indicative of the type of lawyer they will be. It's the person who took five classes, two of which were skills courses (aka: no final exam), two of which counted as writing classes (aka: no final exam) and one of which is with a professor going on sabbatical next semester (aka: take home exam with two weeks to work on it). KISS MY ASS, LITIGATOR.

Needless to say, the list can go on...and on....and on. If you're any one of these, Imma have to ask you to stop. Are there any you would add?

Dr. Juris (eventually)