So, in order to supplement your advice on how to lose in a trial competition, let me tell you some of the things that apparently win closing arguments: (and I only wish I were kidding)
1) Do not introduce yourself to the court. EVER. It will then be your fault that they are unsure of the name they should engrave on your winning trophy.
2) Don't ever please the court. Forget tradition. Screw respect. LISTEN TO ME, DAMMIT. I DON'T NEED YOUR PLEASES! If you must do this, I recommend the line "Would it please the court to kiss my ass."
3) Do not ask that they return a specific verdict. Particularly if you're asking for a verdict of not guilty. You DEFINITELY don't want to ask that your client be freed from prison due to his innocence. Surely not.
4) Sarcasm=winning. The judges LOVE sarcasm. They lap that shit up. I'd even suggest a little Bon Qui Qui head snap and finger jerk to show them some real attitude.
5) Offending the jury? THAT'S A-OKAY! Especially with regard to money: "The prosecution will assert the defendant killed the victim over a measly two thousand dollars." (I'd slit your throat for a candy bar, but that's neither here nor there.) If you could also possibly throw in a racial epithet somewhere, I'm sure they'd award you a couple of bonus points.
6) Fake some sort of illness or disability. I recommend wearing your arm in a sling. Or perhaps a jaunty eyepatch.
7) If you are a girl, WEAR YOUR HAIR IN YOUR FACE. Ever so often, play with it. If you are a guy with long hair, I also recommend this.
8) Lie about your level of learning! (No this did not happen, but I fully advocate telling them you are a 2L rather than 3L, since they are sure to view the aforementioned advice and mistakes as a charming indication of your lack of legal finesse and score you higher because of it.)
Happy Monday, everyone.
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